No Mo' Anxiety

I let it go!  I gave it up to God!  I now see my boyfriend as a human man.  He has made mistakes and he has flaws.  That is perfect!  Why?  Because he's just like me.  I am human and I make mistakes.  I have flaws.  I had to go through a rough time to get that point.  I thought that he was perfect...he's not.  I realize that I can still love him, just as he is.  When we first met, he said that he would accept me just as I am.  I am now being asked to do the same thing.  I accept!  I am now in this thing for fun.  Tony Robbins said to exchange your expectation for gratitude and watch the world shift.  I am exchanging and thanking God for bringing this man to my life.  He has shown me that being human is okay and acceptable.  He will make mistakes and that's okay.  He has flaws, and that's okay.  He is not perfect and that is okay.  The same is for me.  I am human and I am okay.  I love that!!

Anxiety squared

Well today was a good day, maybe.  I had a full day...talked prosperity in the morning.  Then went to a coaching session to work on my elevator pitch contest speech.  Good stuff!  Then I left there to go to my first transcendental meditation session.  It was good too...a bit overpriced tho.  Then I left there and went to my friend's jewelry show.  We had a blast laughing and talking with each other and I got a potential client.  Woo Hoo!  Well update on the car...it got towed today.  There was no waiting until Tues.  He said that he got his friends to run him around to make his appointments.  Wow!  What great friends!  And he has "a woman" who is a client that he helped out with discharging her car note who has agreed to give him a car.  It sounds odd to me but better her than me.  He says that he will get the title transferred over tomorrow.  Why?  When the cops find that car, they will take it too and it's just a matter of time.  He's living a risky life as he is driving on a suspended license.  If he ever gets pulled over, he will go to jail.  Who wants that over their head every time they turn the key in the ignition?  Anyway, after the jewelry show, I came home.  He called later in the evening to say he was going to the lodge to do some stuff.  I really didn't care as I was tired anyway.  But I wasn't too tired to get on the internet...and do a background search.  The boot "kicked" it off.  LOL!  Well can I tell you that I found all kinda shit.  I won't go into details...just yet but there was some stuff out there that I didn't know about and other stuff that refuted some stuff he told me before.  Needless to say, I was stunned, shocked and...and...well, I kinda expected it.  I knew he was hiding stuff that is why he didn't like spending alot of time with me.  See, I have a theory.  When someone has something to hide, they don't spend alot of time with you.  Why?  Because they don't feel comfortable with you while they are hiding their secrets.  So they stay away, like he did.  He hid out at the Masonic lodge which is 10 mins from my house.  Many a day he left the lodge, drove past my house and went home.  Nice, real nice.  I didn't understand it but I do now.  Plus he just likes to be away from the home.  He used to be a truck driver before and spent months away from home.  It's his way of being.  Oh well, it's not what I want tho.  I asked God to reveal him to me and he did.  Now I have a decision to make.  Should I stay or should I go? 

Anxiety antics...wow...T - whenever!

Ok, so I missed a few days...for good reason.  He came over 2 days ago.  I cooked dinner and we had an enjoyable evening.  We laughed and had playful arguments over traditional chores.  He said that he wants me to cook everyday (when we're married).  I told him that if he pays all the bills, then I'll do all the cooking  Of course, he wouldn't agree to do that.  Well, when we went to bed, he commented that I was so good that he would do all the cooking if I kept "that" up.  I agreed to that...no problem!  The next day, drama.  He got a boot on his car over old, unpaid tickets from his ex wife.  She was driving a car in his name.  Back then, he was a truck driver and was never home so he "supposedly" knew nothing about the tickets.  Ok, so now what?  He needs his car to get to his appointments and make money.  He can't use my car as the tickets also caused his license to be suspended.  The tickets total over $10K and he doesn't have that handy.  Boy, this calls for some creativity and real friendship.  If he doesn't come up with some thousands by Mon, the city will tow his car by Tues.  Hmmmm...let's see what happens.  I'm off to run the streets and continue to lead my happy life!  I got an ACN mtg this morn, then a coaching lesson, then a meditation lesson, then an art show.  It's a nonstop day and I'm a non stop girl!

Antics - T minus 12

Ok - so I fell plum asleep last nite....while talking to my man.  Yes, he's still my man.  We had a good conversation last nite.  I talked to Michele who kept me sane while I waited for his call as we had not talked all day.  He has class on Wed nite and I always forget.  When he finally called around 10:30 pm, he was kinda pleasant.  It started a little ruff before it took off.  He said that he wanted to do things together so we could spend more time together.  I like that.  He wants to do Toastmasters.  Cool!  He said that whatever we do should not cost alot of money.  That is cool as the most important thing to me is that we spend time together.  I know that if we spend more time together, then it will improve our relationship.  That's the most important thing to me - companionship.  It will make all the difference to me...

Anxiety Antics - T minus 13

Ok, so today was better.  I was surfing the net for tantra classes in Chicago.  My man knows tantra and I want to learn it.  I ran across a black woman who teaches tantra is Arizona!  What a coincidence since I am going there next month.  I emailed her to set up an appt.  I want to get the experience.  I texted my man to let him know how excited I was.  No response.  When I got home, I went shopping to buy some goodies for my niece's care package for finals week.  He called and I missed it.  I called back.  The conversation was sterile.  I  told him all about my day and future plans for the week.  He listened intently.  No real laughter, not much joking around.  Eventually, he got another call and clicked over.  I waited about 2 mins and then hung up.  He called back, apologetically, 15 mins later.  He said he wanted to see me on Wed.  I told him Thurs was better so we made a date for 9 pm after my prosperity coaching call.  He talked a bit more but he seemed distracted.  He confessed that he was working and talking to me.  I decided to end the call so he could work.  I went back to adding friends to my linked in network.  About 20 mins later, he called back saying he wanted to hear my voice.  I felt like he was checking up on me.  I just laughed and thanked him for calling.  Shit, I didn't know what else to say.  Didn't want to ruin the moment, I guess.  We ended the call.  Oh yeah - about the text earlier today...he said he was too busy to respond.  Too busy...too busy.  I have heard that before from myself and I guess that is what I am attracting.  So how can I be mad at a man who is a reflection of me?

Anxiety Antics - T minus 14

So I have been dating my man since Oct.  We met in Sept on the internet.  It wasn't love at first site as we missed our first date because neither of us called the other to confirm.  Well, I reached back out to start it back up and by Nov, he was falling in love with me.  I fell shortly thereafter.  He was so attentive and he pampered me.  I got breakfast in bed.  I got flowers.  I got all the sex that I wanted.  Life was good!  Then in Jan, he increased his business and the demand on his time increased.  We saw each other less and less until it was down to once a week.  Our calls went from several, intimate calls to one per day - "I just wanted to say good nite".  It had deteriorated.  I had anxiety as I thought I had done something wrong to cause this to happen.  Well last nite, we had a good conversation.  He admitted that his business is stressing him out.  I was able to say that I was unhappy without breaking up, which is my norm.  We have agreed to spend more time together. So today I am counting the next 14 days to see how quickly we can turn this around.  I am skeptical but enthusiastic.  It is exciting to have another chance.  Another chance to get to know him all over again.  Another chance to learn something new about me.  He had meetings late tonite, again.  I decided not to stay up to talk.  My energy now is going towards great things that are happening in my life, not to forcing my eyes open to talk. I think I'm a little bitter....hmmm...better check my self.  Gratitude is the right attitude or so they say.  Sometimes, I am not sure that shit works...