The rest of the story...

So you wanna know how the detox stories end?  Hit my facebook page...Mel MeMe Byrd and visit the "Notes" tab.  All the details are there!  Suffice it to say that I finished like a champ!  I lost about 12 lbs and am now wearing a size smaller!  And I have kept it off since Oct while others gained their weight back.  I still juice about once or twice a day.  I still eat raw fruits and carrots daily.  I have oatmeal for breakfast, after my fruit juice and I have salmon or tuna for lunch and/or dinner.  I eat flaxseed cereal and snack on apple sauce for my sugar fix.  I am also following the blood type A diet which calls for a mostly vegetarian lifestyle but I can't eat only green plants...what am I  - a cow in the pasture?  Of course not.  So I have given up beef and pork, eat very little chicken and eat more fish and some turkey.  There are certain things that the book says that I should avoid like tomatoes and potatoes.  They must be tripping but I have reduced my intake of those things.  Also on my avoid list - mangos, plantain and coconuts.  What?!  As my sister said - do they know that we are Jamaican and that is a staple of our diet??  Nonetheless, I have reduced my intake of those things too.  And lastly, the croup de grace - no shrimp, no lobster, no crab.  WTF??  Do you mean to tell me that I can no longer have my small jumbo (refers to an order of small jumbo shrimp)?  I can't have my crab stuffed shrimp?  No more lobsterfest?  Awww dawg - you really tripping now!  Well, nonetheless, again I conceded.  And so far, it has worked!  I have kept off the weight, and even wore a bikini in Jamaica (the pic is on my FB page).  I didn't know that skinny could be fun!  Well, it is!  I have made it fun!  I love eating healthy - it makes me look good and feel good!  Now, I just need to conquer this exercise thing...I wish it came in a pill too!

Day 11 - Resignation shows up to the detox party!

So, I am married to my detox but I feel like cheating!  I saw a sexy burger who winked at me.  The cute slice of pizza blew me a kiss.  I swear that the shapely chicken wing twins whispered in unison "we miss you."  I’m like the Geto Boys now…damn homie, my mind is playing tricks on me!  “I have to take distilled water everywhere I go, ‘cause I’m paranoid.  I keep looking over my shoulder and peeping around corners ‘cause my mind is playing tricks on me!”  Well, for lunch, I went to Chipotle with Keith and Shaunda.  They know I can’t eat that sh*t!  But when we got there, this gorgeous guacamole was flirting with me.  Damn homie, you know I’m weak!  So I ask the lady – what’s in that?  Since I don’t cook, I don’t know what anything is made of.  She replied “avocados, jalapenos, tomatoes, onions, cilantro and chilies.”  I ask if it is fresh…she said yes…so nothing is cooked in it, right?...she said right.  Aw yeah, aw yeah (like Salt n Pepa…hey, speaking of Pepa…where is her reality show?  I loved that show!  Anyway, I digress).  Now, I’m cheesing like I got an extra stimulus check personally signed by Obama!  I boldly poke out my chest and tell the lady – give me two scoops!!  Woo hoo!  This is gonna be good!  Then I wonder if they take credit cards for less than $2.  Never mind, Keith buys it for me.  Thanks Keith!  I am walking back to the office on cloud 25!  I am breezing down Michigan Avenue in my 4 inch royal blue heels!  I am speaking to strangers and no longer feeling my pubie itching from the hair that is growing back.  Isn’t life grand?  See I remember what Landmark teaches me…it’s possibilities that get people in action.  Just the possibility of having something different with my salad put me in action!  It’s like going on an exciting vacation.  Just the thought of going on the vacation puts you in action…you buy new stuff, you tell your friends, you get work done, you stay up late dreaming about it!  So the possibility of cheating with good guac got me in action.  I got my salad and it looked a little jealous.  I carefully opened my guac and placed it next to the salad.  I didn’t talk much – I need to use my time to savor my cheating.  I ate the salad half way down.  The entire time, I am eyeing and smiling at the gorgeous guac.  Cheating can be so sinister!  Finally, it’s time.  I stack the fork with a piece of tomato, celery, and cucumber…I add the gorgeous guac..I take a good look at it’s green nakedness…it’s hot!  I slowly open my mouth and prepare my taste buds.  Incoming!!  Wake y’all asses up!  Then it hits and it is all that I thought it would be!  It’s smooth, satisfying, tastes good and so comforting!  Just what you want in a piece on the side!  It was not demanding like the veggie juice…it’s not dramatic like the effects of the spinach on my bowels…it’s not an attention hog like the 90 ounces of water I drink a day…it was just easy…easy in, easy out.  Hey – this cheating stuff ain’t all bad!  So I finish my salad…I thoroughly enjoy my gorgeous guac and smile all the way back to my desk where I proceed to take my colon cleansing pills to get that sh*t out of me!  I love cheating with the guac but it’s not worth my marriage to my detox.  Sorry guac, it’s over…I can’t be with you no more…you know I’m married…I want to be faithful…but we can still be friends, right?

Day 10 - the half way point! Yippee!!

So for me, this week is harder than last week.  I don’t know why.  I think I was able to trick my body into sitting still for 7 days.  But now, it’s like – what is really going on?  You still depriving us?  Where is the small jumbo shrimp dinner from Capt Hooks?  Yes, small jumbo!  Where is the crab cake sandwich that I like from Cosi?  Where are the Market Creation wings and mashed potatoes that I get for lunch?  Where is the ham and cheese croissant sandwich that I get from the Deli?  Where is the egg and bacon sandwich from Vista?  Where is the bag of chips that I snack on at Renee’s?  Where is the smoked turkey leg with rice that mom makes?  Where, where, oh where the hell is all that food that I like to eat??!!  Well I’m glad you asked that question.  I will tell you where it is.  It is turned into cholesterol and stuck to the vessels of my heart…preparing me for a heart attack.  It is stuck to the inside of my colon blocking me up and making me constipated.  It is collecting in my ankles and making me swell.  It is making my vision cloudy…it is making me lethargic…it is aging me…it is, it is, it is not what I want for the rest of my life.  So goodbye to all that stuff that taste soooo good!  I am not eating because things taste so good anymore.  I am eating to live!  My taste has now changed.  I have a taste for good living, healthy eating, longevity and vitality!  Now I have no idea what that looks like on Day 22!  I have no idea of what I want to eat after this is over…I need some coaching to help make this decision.  However, I do not want to go back from whence I came.  I want to keep the momentum going!  I have learned so much not only from Tam and Eric but also from Renee, Carolyn, Shaunda and Maurice.  It has been an adventure to say the least!  I have learned that I am a strong willed person.  I have learned that I can actually lose weight without exercising!  I have learned that my diet does cause my ankles to swell.  Now let’s talk ankles ladies…and some men too.  I have an overweight right ankle.  Ever since the blood clots got a hold to my right leg, they also caused some damage to my ankle.  Now my doc said that I can control the swelling with diet and exercise but since I don’t do either – here’s a pill.  I take water pills (25 mg hydrochlorothiazide) which also lower high blood pressure, which I do not have.   So now I take meds for something that I can control and choose not too and as a bonus get meds for something that I don’t want to have or develop.  What a concept!  Well since the detox, my ankle has lost weight.  It is no longer big as my right tit.  It is normal size.  Wow!  So diet does affect my swelling.  I didn’t want to believe that cause I wanted to keep eating 4 wings with hot sauce and popping a pill which didn’t work very well anyway.   So now I have a normal ankle and I want to keep it that way.  Soon, I'l be ditching that stupid pill!  Oh yeah, another thing I want to keep is this smooth skin that I have.  My husband is gonna love rubbing up against this stuff!  It’s like butter baby!!  The last thing that I want to keep is this “can do” attitude!  I can do it!  When asked – hey Mel can you really write a book?  My response is yes, yes I can!  Hey Mel – can you really wear a size 10 now?  My response is yes, yes I can!  Hey Mel  - can you make money selling stuff on the internet?  My response is yes, yes I can!  Hey Mel – can you help me detox and lose weight?  My response is yes, yes I can!  And when asked – Hey Mel – will you marry me?  My response is yes, yes I can!  Yes, yes I do!!

Day 9 - Really? Like really? From every hole?

So today my body decided to eliminate everything that it did not eliminate yesterday.  I didn’t go a lot yesterday, but I did today.  See last nite, I wanted some chips and instead decided to have chipotle cashews.  Probably not a good idea but I enjoyed them!  After eating them, I drank water mixed with superfood.  Superfood is a green, powder supplement that I take daily.  I mix it in water or with my juices.  My co-worker told me that it has the same properties as kitty litter.  WTF?  The premise is that it will bind with the mighty mighty toxins in your colon and pull them out when you dooty.  Whatever!  I take it anyway...it helps my bowels move…so I guess the kitty litter is working!  Anyway, today I had more energy.  I did not feel lethargic.  But I was kinda tired cuz I didn’t get 7+ hours of sleep last nite.  Oh, that’s so necessary!  Don’t underestimate the power of sleep.  This is when your body has time to recharge and reload for the next day.  Skip too much sleep and you ain’t ready for the day.  So I was half ready for today but charged forward…and my bowels were charging forward too!  They were running like a lottery machine on payday!  Today, I had to go when the mood hit me…no waiting today…no going up to the 9th floor.  I went in the regular bathroom and just went and flushed…went and flushed.  I am courteous of others and I know that although it might not smell bad to me, it’s noxious to others!  Now, you know there are many orifices in the human body.  As I went today, I had something coming out of the majority of them!  Sometimes when I dooty, I tear up…when that happens, my nose begins to run…and remember the menses too!  So at some point today, I simultaneously piss, sh*t, fart, bled, cried and snot up all while cussing!  WTFX2??!!  Boy, these mighty mighty toxins – I need to sue their asses for emotional distress!  The silver lining is that toilet tissue can take care of all of that in one swoop!  How?  Well women like big goo gobs of tissue…that’s where you start.  Go from rooter to the tooter!  Wipe the eyes, fold…blow the nose, fold…wipe the box from front to back…discard.  How efficient!  Ok, I usually have to go over the box again…remember, you can never be too careful.  So I go, I flush…I wipe, I flush, I go, I flush, I wipe.  Yes, it’s a big ordeal and must be timed appropriately before and after meetings.  I see this detox thing is all about planning.  Planning your meals, planning your up time, planning your down time, planning your dooty…planning, planning, and planning.  Hey – is God trying to tell me something?  Like my life - I don’t have all of my life planned out but I do know what I am working towards…writing a book (and not about dooty!) and going on a speaking tour!  One of my Landmark friends told me about an exercise where you write down what you want to accomplish by age 85.  Wow!  Or another cryptic way of saying this is…write your obituary.  What will it say?  A better question is…what do you want it to say?  You know that you control that – right?  It can be short…she was a good woman…or it can be several pages, like a published book.  You make the call.  You make the plans.  I want a published book…that is what I am planning on.  What are you planning on?     

Day 8 - detox be damned when menses commences!

So today I had very little energy.  I was dragging my fat ass down 87th street, onto the Metra, then up the stairs to my office where I plopped my fat ass down.  I got there at 8:20 am and was ready to go home at 8:30 am.  I do not like those days.  In Landmark terms, I was in survival mode.  I just did what I needed to do to make the time pass until it was time to take my fat ass back home.  That's not a good look.  That doesn't get you to management.  That doesn't get you to bonuses.  Survival gets you to the unemployment office and I can't have that!  Momma needs a new fall wardrobe and a several new pairs of boots!  Have you seen the latest Macy's sale catalogue??  Ok, then you understand.  Well I realized that I was in full menses mode...in other terms...my period was kicking my ass!  That is the reason that I endured 3 hours of gut wrenching pain to kill the mighty mighty fibroids as they bleed every month, make me very anemic and zap my strength.  This coupled with the detox is a double whammy (no big money) to my body.  First, no eggs or oatmeal for breakfast...just juice.  No crab cake sandwich for lunch...just raw salad.  No curry chicken for dinner...just more damn juice.  Then bleeding like I can bottle it and sell it.  My body is freaking o-u-t!  That is what it was telling me today...to slow down.  But when you have 'stuff' to do, there is no time to slow down.  I asked Tam what she recommends.  She said do more beets today.  Oooh yuck!  But I did it.  I went to Sbarro's and passed the shiny, good smelling pizza that the devil baked to the juice area.  I got a juice with extra beets.  My friend Shaunda went with me and she got a juice too.  She needed some energy for her workout so I recommended fruit juice.  She liked it!  Towards the end of the day, I took my iron supplements and when I got home, I did more beets.  I started to feel better then realized that I also needed to go shopping.  I am out of supplies.  This detox is high maintenance just like me!  So I attend my weekly Landmark call and shared about which areas of my life I work on auto-pilot.  Well today, work was one of those areas.  Several others are finances, relationship and spirituality.  But going forward, I promise to be in action in those areas of my life and create the life that I want in those areas.  Check with me around Christmas to see what I will have created.  (Santa - don't forget to put my flat stomach under the Christmas tree too!)

I wanted to go to Whole Foods but that is too far when you are in survival mode...so I went back to Jewels around 9 pm.  Very few cars and very few people in the store - love that!  I have time to smell, touch and pick exactly what I want.  I do not have to run over the old folks who move to slow, or rush pass the person who is just window shopping...as you see, I have no patience!  And I especially have no tolerance for those bad ass kids who I am telling 'stop running' or 'where is your mother?' or 'put that down' or did you hear your mother call you - move your fat ass tubby!'  I digress.  Anyway, I buy my produce and fruit (does produce mean veggies?).  I check out with no problem.  I talk to the cashier and share that I worked for Jewels in high school.  She said that she started part time and never expected to still be there but 14 years later, here she is.  We laughed and I hoped that I distracted her enough so that she forgets to scan something but it didn't work.  I know, that's not the Christian way.  Anyway, I tell the bag boy, who is not a bag boy but a retired, older man singing Negro spirituals that I need a carry out.  He says, ok let me get my coat.  Then he proceeds to move with the lightening speed of a snail!  Did Bob the bag boy know about the mighty mighty toxins?  I gotta pee pee!  Hurry up!  I have no patience – oh, I think I said that already.  So while I wait, I look at my receipt - 114 damn dollars.  Oh wow!  This is more than last week and I bought less food.  But what I got this week was also storage containers, baggies and a butcher knife.  Y'all know all I had was a set of steak knives from Target.  That doesn't cut it - literally!  I also needed paper goods.  I use paper towels each morn and eve while juicing and while the menses commences, I use tons of toilet tissue.  So, me and Bob the bag boy walk out to the car and he is telling me how he used to substitute teach but the kids were too bad for him so he came here to Jewels.  He packs me up and again I wish Bob the bag boy could go home with me and bring my groceries into the house but no such luck.  I get home, unpack and run to the bathroom.  You know the mighty mighty toxins can only be put on pause for so long!  I handle that biz and put up the groceries.  I realized that while I was on auto-pilot earlier, I am not now.  I am creating the healthy life that I want to have.  Shopping and filling my fridge is new for me but very necessary, as Jay Z would say.  So I ask you – are you on auto pilot for your health…or are you creating the healthy life that you want to have, hold and cherish from this day forward?

Day 7 - not alot to say but alot to do...

So last nite I went to the denim and white party given by my Sorors of Tau Psi Zeta.  A good time was had by all!  I was an observer at the party last nite instead of an active participant.  See, as you detox, you have a heightened sense of awareness so I notice things now that I didn't notice before.  I looked, actually looked at all of the people in the party.  I noticed that we had all colors, shapes and sizes but mostly big sizes.  I remembered that when I was in my 20's, I wore size 12...when I was in my 30's, I wore size 14...now in my 40's, I started at 16 and am now back to 12, on my way to 10.  I wondered about my sisters who are in their 20's and are a size 16 or 18...where will they be at my age?  Is it okay to just keep gaining weight, buying bigger clothes and giving the smaller ones away to someone who is now growing into your old size?  You make the call.  For me, I thought it was ok, but now it is not.  I do not want to be at Great America with the grandkids on a scooter...or at Boule, sitting in the back because it takes too much energy, that I don't have, to walk to the front of the room.  I want to be vibrant like my Soror Gwen Smith.  She just turned 70 and is very active!  She is a cutie with her afro and loves to share her blessings with others.  I want to be like my little Jamaican mother..70+ firecracker!  She loves to shop (now you know where I get it from), go to parties and enjoy life with her family and friends!  That's what I want for me and I know that I am responsible for making it happen.  I know in my life that all things are done thru Christ and I use my free will that He gave me to honor Him and make my dreams come true!  How cool is that?!  I also know that he loves me and that he put it on Tam's heart to share this detox with me...what a great thing that is!  Realize that when someone shares their gift, that is God talking to you as he is the giver of our gifts and talents that we share in life.  I listened and I am blessed because of it!  I also noticed last nite, I was cold and sleepy.  I felt like Renee!  I never took off my jacket and had to fight sleep all the way home.  Thank God that Ladonna drove!  Thanks LD!  And no, the mighty mighty toxins did not come to the party.  They escaped me before the party - thank goodness!  I am learning how to time my bm's!  Yes, there is an art to it!  LOL!!

Lastly, I again am asking for prayers for my Soror Remel Duncan.  She is having surgery on Mon at Northwestern.  I know she would appreciate it, and if she could thank you personally, she would.  But since she can not, I can and will...thank you...love you...God bless you!

Day 6 - down 7 lbs!

So I got approval from my doc to conitnue with my detox but I have to get my blood levels checked weekly.  The spinach in my diet works against my coumadin and I need to have thin blood.  I went this morn and they were all gushing over me!  I loved it!  They were like - you look like a model...I love your hair...can I do your diet...you look great!!  How supportive!  I loved it!  I was fully dressed when I went to the doc ofc as I had to go to chapter mtg afterwards.  Usually, I go the doc in casual clothes...drab and no make up.  This time, I had on my tight, royal blue dress, high heels and plenty of mascara.  Mascara is the new Amex card...don't leave home without it!  And get this...I was asking them to weigh me!!  What???!!  Usually, the scale is chasing me thru the office but this time, I was chasing the scale all around the mulberry bush!  I grabbed him and jumped on...it said 176!  What??!!  Let me try this again...176!  Woo Hoo!  I have never been under 180 lbs at the doc office!  Progress!  That made me switch even harder as I proudly walked out of the doc's office and declared...by Christmas, you won't recognize me!  I already told Santa that I want a flat stomach for Christmas.  For NYE, my belly will be out!!  Watch what I tell ya!

I leave the doc office, run home to juice, dance and pee.  That seems to be most of my routine this week.  I listen to 100.3 alot!!  They play the best music of my life...80's rock!  "Someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you!  One night will remind you, how we touched and went our separate ways!"  Journey kicks ass dude!!  So I juice me up 1/2 of honeydew melon...skin, seeds and all and drink it down.  Now I have to plan for being in the Sigma house for 3 hours.  I grab a gallon of distilled water.  I cut up 4 carrots, 1 cucumber and 3 roma tomatoes.  Put them all in baggies and away we go!  I sit in chapter meeting...talking, eating, drinking...uh oh, gotta pee pee...talking, fussing, gossipping,  eating, drinking...uh oh...gotta #1 and #2.  I look around the room at all my lovely Sorors and so wish I could give so many of them good health for their birthday.  But it is not mine to give...I share, but it is up to them to claim it.  If you haven't yet, claim your health.  It's like an uncashed lottery ticket...it's just waiting on you to cash it in and be a millionaire in the fight against illness and disease, which are waiting to plague you and rob you of your millions.  Well I cashed in my ticket...will you?

I leave chapter and head to see Tam and Eric for my private counseling session.  They review my lab results and find that my urine and saliva is too acidic (6.26) which causes an environment for disease.  They will test it again at the end of detox and see if I am normal (6.4) by then.  We chit and chat about temptation and how I was really tested this week.  I had to detox, do liquid diet for one day along with a bowel prep then sit thru a procedure which caused me call on the name of Jesus for 3 hours, consecutively!  This past week showed me who I know myself to be -- tenacious, responsible and strong willed.  Yeah, that is me!

I leave there and have to go to a prayer vigil for my Soror, Remel Duncan.  She is ill, very ill.  She has brain cancer and is going in for surgery on Monday.  She is such a brave soul.  We met in the backyard of her brother's house where she gave testimony that she knows that God is using her for something.  She was happy that we were all there.  I was happy that I was there too.  About 60 people or so showed up as her minister prayed over her.  It was moving.  Remel openly asked everyone to not leave without a hug...how loving is that?!  She was able to show her soft side even when being strong is called for.  What a blessing!  It made me realize that showing love actually take something...it takes courage, it takes heart and it takes a willingness to accept the love that comes back to you.

So I end this post with..."I love you Remel!"  And I know you love me!  What a great feeling that is!