Day 11 - Resignation shows up to the detox party!

So, I am married to my detox but I feel like cheating!  I saw a sexy burger who winked at me.  The cute slice of pizza blew me a kiss.  I swear that the shapely chicken wing twins whispered in unison "we miss you."  I’m like the Geto Boys now…damn homie, my mind is playing tricks on me!  “I have to take distilled water everywhere I go, ‘cause I’m paranoid.  I keep looking over my shoulder and peeping around corners ‘cause my mind is playing tricks on me!”  Well, for lunch, I went to Chipotle with Keith and Shaunda.  They know I can’t eat that sh*t!  But when we got there, this gorgeous guacamole was flirting with me.  Damn homie, you know I’m weak!  So I ask the lady – what’s in that?  Since I don’t cook, I don’t know what anything is made of.  She replied “avocados, jalapenos, tomatoes, onions, cilantro and chilies.”  I ask if it is fresh…she said yes…so nothing is cooked in it, right?...she said right.  Aw yeah, aw yeah (like Salt n Pepa…hey, speaking of Pepa…where is her reality show?  I loved that show!  Anyway, I digress).  Now, I’m cheesing like I got an extra stimulus check personally signed by Obama!  I boldly poke out my chest and tell the lady – give me two scoops!!  Woo hoo!  This is gonna be good!  Then I wonder if they take credit cards for less than $2.  Never mind, Keith buys it for me.  Thanks Keith!  I am walking back to the office on cloud 25!  I am breezing down Michigan Avenue in my 4 inch royal blue heels!  I am speaking to strangers and no longer feeling my pubie itching from the hair that is growing back.  Isn’t life grand?  See I remember what Landmark teaches me…it’s possibilities that get people in action.  Just the possibility of having something different with my salad put me in action!  It’s like going on an exciting vacation.  Just the thought of going on the vacation puts you in action…you buy new stuff, you tell your friends, you get work done, you stay up late dreaming about it!  So the possibility of cheating with good guac got me in action.  I got my salad and it looked a little jealous.  I carefully opened my guac and placed it next to the salad.  I didn’t talk much – I need to use my time to savor my cheating.  I ate the salad half way down.  The entire time, I am eyeing and smiling at the gorgeous guac.  Cheating can be so sinister!  Finally, it’s time.  I stack the fork with a piece of tomato, celery, and cucumber…I add the gorgeous guac..I take a good look at it’s green nakedness…it’s hot!  I slowly open my mouth and prepare my taste buds.  Incoming!!  Wake y’all asses up!  Then it hits and it is all that I thought it would be!  It’s smooth, satisfying, tastes good and so comforting!  Just what you want in a piece on the side!  It was not demanding like the veggie juice…it’s not dramatic like the effects of the spinach on my bowels…it’s not an attention hog like the 90 ounces of water I drink a day…it was just easy…easy in, easy out.  Hey – this cheating stuff ain’t all bad!  So I finish my salad…I thoroughly enjoy my gorgeous guac and smile all the way back to my desk where I proceed to take my colon cleansing pills to get that sh*t out of me!  I love cheating with the guac but it’s not worth my marriage to my detox.  Sorry guac, it’s over…I can’t be with you no more…you know I’m married…I want to be faithful…but we can still be friends, right?

Day 10 - the half way point! Yippee!!

So for me, this week is harder than last week.  I don’t know why.  I think I was able to trick my body into sitting still for 7 days.  But now, it’s like – what is really going on?  You still depriving us?  Where is the small jumbo shrimp dinner from Capt Hooks?  Yes, small jumbo!  Where is the crab cake sandwich that I like from Cosi?  Where are the Market Creation wings and mashed potatoes that I get for lunch?  Where is the ham and cheese croissant sandwich that I get from the Deli?  Where is the egg and bacon sandwich from Vista?  Where is the bag of chips that I snack on at Renee’s?  Where is the smoked turkey leg with rice that mom makes?  Where, where, oh where the hell is all that food that I like to eat??!!  Well I’m glad you asked that question.  I will tell you where it is.  It is turned into cholesterol and stuck to the vessels of my heart…preparing me for a heart attack.  It is stuck to the inside of my colon blocking me up and making me constipated.  It is collecting in my ankles and making me swell.  It is making my vision cloudy…it is making me lethargic…it is aging me…it is, it is, it is not what I want for the rest of my life.  So goodbye to all that stuff that taste soooo good!  I am not eating because things taste so good anymore.  I am eating to live!  My taste has now changed.  I have a taste for good living, healthy eating, longevity and vitality!  Now I have no idea what that looks like on Day 22!  I have no idea of what I want to eat after this is over…I need some coaching to help make this decision.  However, I do not want to go back from whence I came.  I want to keep the momentum going!  I have learned so much not only from Tam and Eric but also from Renee, Carolyn, Shaunda and Maurice.  It has been an adventure to say the least!  I have learned that I am a strong willed person.  I have learned that I can actually lose weight without exercising!  I have learned that my diet does cause my ankles to swell.  Now let’s talk ankles ladies…and some men too.  I have an overweight right ankle.  Ever since the blood clots got a hold to my right leg, they also caused some damage to my ankle.  Now my doc said that I can control the swelling with diet and exercise but since I don’t do either – here’s a pill.  I take water pills (25 mg hydrochlorothiazide) which also lower high blood pressure, which I do not have.   So now I take meds for something that I can control and choose not too and as a bonus get meds for something that I don’t want to have or develop.  What a concept!  Well since the detox, my ankle has lost weight.  It is no longer big as my right tit.  It is normal size.  Wow!  So diet does affect my swelling.  I didn’t want to believe that cause I wanted to keep eating 4 wings with hot sauce and popping a pill which didn’t work very well anyway.   So now I have a normal ankle and I want to keep it that way.  Soon, I'l be ditching that stupid pill!  Oh yeah, another thing I want to keep is this smooth skin that I have.  My husband is gonna love rubbing up against this stuff!  It’s like butter baby!!  The last thing that I want to keep is this “can do” attitude!  I can do it!  When asked – hey Mel can you really write a book?  My response is yes, yes I can!  Hey Mel – can you really wear a size 10 now?  My response is yes, yes I can!  Hey Mel  - can you make money selling stuff on the internet?  My response is yes, yes I can!  Hey Mel – can you help me detox and lose weight?  My response is yes, yes I can!  And when asked – Hey Mel – will you marry me?  My response is yes, yes I can!  Yes, yes I do!!

Day 9 - Really? Like really? From every hole?

So today my body decided to eliminate everything that it did not eliminate yesterday.  I didn’t go a lot yesterday, but I did today.  See last nite, I wanted some chips and instead decided to have chipotle cashews.  Probably not a good idea but I enjoyed them!  After eating them, I drank water mixed with superfood.  Superfood is a green, powder supplement that I take daily.  I mix it in water or with my juices.  My co-worker told me that it has the same properties as kitty litter.  WTF?  The premise is that it will bind with the mighty mighty toxins in your colon and pull them out when you dooty.  Whatever!  I take it anyway...it helps my bowels move…so I guess the kitty litter is working!  Anyway, today I had more energy.  I did not feel lethargic.  But I was kinda tired cuz I didn’t get 7+ hours of sleep last nite.  Oh, that’s so necessary!  Don’t underestimate the power of sleep.  This is when your body has time to recharge and reload for the next day.  Skip too much sleep and you ain’t ready for the day.  So I was half ready for today but charged forward…and my bowels were charging forward too!  They were running like a lottery machine on payday!  Today, I had to go when the mood hit me…no waiting today…no going up to the 9th floor.  I went in the regular bathroom and just went and flushed…went and flushed.  I am courteous of others and I know that although it might not smell bad to me, it’s noxious to others!  Now, you know there are many orifices in the human body.  As I went today, I had something coming out of the majority of them!  Sometimes when I dooty, I tear up…when that happens, my nose begins to run…and remember the menses too!  So at some point today, I simultaneously piss, sh*t, fart, bled, cried and snot up all while cussing!  WTFX2??!!  Boy, these mighty mighty toxins – I need to sue their asses for emotional distress!  The silver lining is that toilet tissue can take care of all of that in one swoop!  How?  Well women like big goo gobs of tissue…that’s where you start.  Go from rooter to the tooter!  Wipe the eyes, fold…blow the nose, fold…wipe the box from front to back…discard.  How efficient!  Ok, I usually have to go over the box again…remember, you can never be too careful.  So I go, I flush…I wipe, I flush, I go, I flush, I wipe.  Yes, it’s a big ordeal and must be timed appropriately before and after meetings.  I see this detox thing is all about planning.  Planning your meals, planning your up time, planning your down time, planning your dooty…planning, planning, and planning.  Hey – is God trying to tell me something?  Like my life - I don’t have all of my life planned out but I do know what I am working towards…writing a book (and not about dooty!) and going on a speaking tour!  One of my Landmark friends told me about an exercise where you write down what you want to accomplish by age 85.  Wow!  Or another cryptic way of saying this is…write your obituary.  What will it say?  A better question is…what do you want it to say?  You know that you control that – right?  It can be short…she was a good woman…or it can be several pages, like a published book.  You make the call.  You make the plans.  I want a published book…that is what I am planning on.  What are you planning on?     

Day 8 - detox be damned when menses commences!

So today I had very little energy.  I was dragging my fat ass down 87th street, onto the Metra, then up the stairs to my office where I plopped my fat ass down.  I got there at 8:20 am and was ready to go home at 8:30 am.  I do not like those days.  In Landmark terms, I was in survival mode.  I just did what I needed to do to make the time pass until it was time to take my fat ass back home.  That's not a good look.  That doesn't get you to management.  That doesn't get you to bonuses.  Survival gets you to the unemployment office and I can't have that!  Momma needs a new fall wardrobe and a several new pairs of boots!  Have you seen the latest Macy's sale catalogue??  Ok, then you understand.  Well I realized that I was in full menses mode...in other terms...my period was kicking my ass!  That is the reason that I endured 3 hours of gut wrenching pain to kill the mighty mighty fibroids as they bleed every month, make me very anemic and zap my strength.  This coupled with the detox is a double whammy (no big money) to my body.  First, no eggs or oatmeal for breakfast...just juice.  No crab cake sandwich for lunch...just raw salad.  No curry chicken for dinner...just more damn juice.  Then bleeding like I can bottle it and sell it.  My body is freaking o-u-t!  That is what it was telling me today...to slow down.  But when you have 'stuff' to do, there is no time to slow down.  I asked Tam what she recommends.  She said do more beets today.  Oooh yuck!  But I did it.  I went to Sbarro's and passed the shiny, good smelling pizza that the devil baked to the juice area.  I got a juice with extra beets.  My friend Shaunda went with me and she got a juice too.  She needed some energy for her workout so I recommended fruit juice.  She liked it!  Towards the end of the day, I took my iron supplements and when I got home, I did more beets.  I started to feel better then realized that I also needed to go shopping.  I am out of supplies.  This detox is high maintenance just like me!  So I attend my weekly Landmark call and shared about which areas of my life I work on auto-pilot.  Well today, work was one of those areas.  Several others are finances, relationship and spirituality.  But going forward, I promise to be in action in those areas of my life and create the life that I want in those areas.  Check with me around Christmas to see what I will have created.  (Santa - don't forget to put my flat stomach under the Christmas tree too!)

I wanted to go to Whole Foods but that is too far when you are in survival mode...so I went back to Jewels around 9 pm.  Very few cars and very few people in the store - love that!  I have time to smell, touch and pick exactly what I want.  I do not have to run over the old folks who move to slow, or rush pass the person who is just window shopping...as you see, I have no patience!  And I especially have no tolerance for those bad ass kids who I am telling 'stop running' or 'where is your mother?' or 'put that down' or did you hear your mother call you - move your fat ass tubby!'  I digress.  Anyway, I buy my produce and fruit (does produce mean veggies?).  I check out with no problem.  I talk to the cashier and share that I worked for Jewels in high school.  She said that she started part time and never expected to still be there but 14 years later, here she is.  We laughed and I hoped that I distracted her enough so that she forgets to scan something but it didn't work.  I know, that's not the Christian way.  Anyway, I tell the bag boy, who is not a bag boy but a retired, older man singing Negro spirituals that I need a carry out.  He says, ok let me get my coat.  Then he proceeds to move with the lightening speed of a snail!  Did Bob the bag boy know about the mighty mighty toxins?  I gotta pee pee!  Hurry up!  I have no patience – oh, I think I said that already.  So while I wait, I look at my receipt - 114 damn dollars.  Oh wow!  This is more than last week and I bought less food.  But what I got this week was also storage containers, baggies and a butcher knife.  Y'all know all I had was a set of steak knives from Target.  That doesn't cut it - literally!  I also needed paper goods.  I use paper towels each morn and eve while juicing and while the menses commences, I use tons of toilet tissue.  So, me and Bob the bag boy walk out to the car and he is telling me how he used to substitute teach but the kids were too bad for him so he came here to Jewels.  He packs me up and again I wish Bob the bag boy could go home with me and bring my groceries into the house but no such luck.  I get home, unpack and run to the bathroom.  You know the mighty mighty toxins can only be put on pause for so long!  I handle that biz and put up the groceries.  I realized that while I was on auto-pilot earlier, I am not now.  I am creating the healthy life that I want to have.  Shopping and filling my fridge is new for me but very necessary, as Jay Z would say.  So I ask you – are you on auto pilot for your health…or are you creating the healthy life that you want to have, hold and cherish from this day forward?

Day 7 - not alot to say but alot to do...

So last nite I went to the denim and white party given by my Sorors of Tau Psi Zeta.  A good time was had by all!  I was an observer at the party last nite instead of an active participant.  See, as you detox, you have a heightened sense of awareness so I notice things now that I didn't notice before.  I looked, actually looked at all of the people in the party.  I noticed that we had all colors, shapes and sizes but mostly big sizes.  I remembered that when I was in my 20's, I wore size 12...when I was in my 30's, I wore size 14...now in my 40's, I started at 16 and am now back to 12, on my way to 10.  I wondered about my sisters who are in their 20's and are a size 16 or 18...where will they be at my age?  Is it okay to just keep gaining weight, buying bigger clothes and giving the smaller ones away to someone who is now growing into your old size?  You make the call.  For me, I thought it was ok, but now it is not.  I do not want to be at Great America with the grandkids on a scooter...or at Boule, sitting in the back because it takes too much energy, that I don't have, to walk to the front of the room.  I want to be vibrant like my Soror Gwen Smith.  She just turned 70 and is very active!  She is a cutie with her afro and loves to share her blessings with others.  I want to be like my little Jamaican mother..70+ firecracker!  She loves to shop (now you know where I get it from), go to parties and enjoy life with her family and friends!  That's what I want for me and I know that I am responsible for making it happen.  I know in my life that all things are done thru Christ and I use my free will that He gave me to honor Him and make my dreams come true!  How cool is that?!  I also know that he loves me and that he put it on Tam's heart to share this detox with me...what a great thing that is!  Realize that when someone shares their gift, that is God talking to you as he is the giver of our gifts and talents that we share in life.  I listened and I am blessed because of it!  I also noticed last nite, I was cold and sleepy.  I felt like Renee!  I never took off my jacket and had to fight sleep all the way home.  Thank God that Ladonna drove!  Thanks LD!  And no, the mighty mighty toxins did not come to the party.  They escaped me before the party - thank goodness!  I am learning how to time my bm's!  Yes, there is an art to it!  LOL!!

Lastly, I again am asking for prayers for my Soror Remel Duncan.  She is having surgery on Mon at Northwestern.  I know she would appreciate it, and if she could thank you personally, she would.  But since she can not, I can and will...thank you...love you...God bless you!

Day 6 - down 7 lbs!

So I got approval from my doc to conitnue with my detox but I have to get my blood levels checked weekly.  The spinach in my diet works against my coumadin and I need to have thin blood.  I went this morn and they were all gushing over me!  I loved it!  They were like - you look like a model...I love your hair...can I do your diet...you look great!!  How supportive!  I loved it!  I was fully dressed when I went to the doc ofc as I had to go to chapter mtg afterwards.  Usually, I go the doc in casual clothes...drab and no make up.  This time, I had on my tight, royal blue dress, high heels and plenty of mascara.  Mascara is the new Amex card...don't leave home without it!  And get this...I was asking them to weigh me!!  What???!!  Usually, the scale is chasing me thru the office but this time, I was chasing the scale all around the mulberry bush!  I grabbed him and jumped on...it said 176!  What??!!  Let me try this again...176!  Woo Hoo!  I have never been under 180 lbs at the doc office!  Progress!  That made me switch even harder as I proudly walked out of the doc's office and declared...by Christmas, you won't recognize me!  I already told Santa that I want a flat stomach for Christmas.  For NYE, my belly will be out!!  Watch what I tell ya!

I leave the doc office, run home to juice, dance and pee.  That seems to be most of my routine this week.  I listen to 100.3 alot!!  They play the best music of my life...80's rock!  "Someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you!  One night will remind you, how we touched and went our separate ways!"  Journey kicks ass dude!!  So I juice me up 1/2 of honeydew melon...skin, seeds and all and drink it down.  Now I have to plan for being in the Sigma house for 3 hours.  I grab a gallon of distilled water.  I cut up 4 carrots, 1 cucumber and 3 roma tomatoes.  Put them all in baggies and away we go!  I sit in chapter meeting...talking, eating, drinking...uh oh, gotta pee pee...talking, fussing, gossipping,  eating, drinking...uh oh...gotta #1 and #2.  I look around the room at all my lovely Sorors and so wish I could give so many of them good health for their birthday.  But it is not mine to give...I share, but it is up to them to claim it.  If you haven't yet, claim your health.  It's like an uncashed lottery ticket...it's just waiting on you to cash it in and be a millionaire in the fight against illness and disease, which are waiting to plague you and rob you of your millions.  Well I cashed in my ticket...will you?

I leave chapter and head to see Tam and Eric for my private counseling session.  They review my lab results and find that my urine and saliva is too acidic (6.26) which causes an environment for disease.  They will test it again at the end of detox and see if I am normal (6.4) by then.  We chit and chat about temptation and how I was really tested this week.  I had to detox, do liquid diet for one day along with a bowel prep then sit thru a procedure which caused me call on the name of Jesus for 3 hours, consecutively!  This past week showed me who I know myself to be -- tenacious, responsible and strong willed.  Yeah, that is me!

I leave there and have to go to a prayer vigil for my Soror, Remel Duncan.  She is ill, very ill.  She has brain cancer and is going in for surgery on Monday.  She is such a brave soul.  We met in the backyard of her brother's house where she gave testimony that she knows that God is using her for something.  She was happy that we were all there.  I was happy that I was there too.  About 60 people or so showed up as her minister prayed over her.  It was moving.  Remel openly asked everyone to not leave without a hug...how loving is that?!  She was able to show her soft side even when being strong is called for.  What a blessing!  It made me realize that showing love actually take something...it takes courage, it takes heart and it takes a willingness to accept the love that comes back to you.

So I end this post with..."I love you Remel!"  And I know you love me!  What a great feeling that is!

Day 5 and I'm still alive!

So today was a slow day.  I was able to work from home.  Thanks Boss Lady!  I sat on the couch, responded to emails and did some work.  I still do not have much pain today but a bit of discomfort and my stomach is tender to the touch.  The mighty mighty fibroids are dying.  Thank goodness!  I had my mommi drop off my detox diet to my doc's office.  Dr Sarma reviewed it and called me this afternoon with the approval to keep moving forward.  Yippee Skipee!  BUT, she also said that I have to come in and get my blood levels checked weekly.  Uh oh...she's gonna tell me that I have to cut back on the spinach.  See spinach works against my Coumadin and causes my blood to be too thick which puts me at risk for developing more blood clots.  The clots that I have now are behind my lower right leg.  They never went away as Coumadin is not a cure.  They are "encased" in my blood vessels like leeches and they won't let go.  So how did I find the clots?  Well, I was at work with a swollen ankle, pain and tightness in my right leg.  My co-workers encouraged me to go to the doc on a Fri afternoon...so I did.  The doc looked and said...hmmm...let's get a blood flow study to make sure that you do not have clots.  (Why do they always say "let's" when it is just me!!)  Anyway, I proudly left the office as I knew I did not have clots.  I zoomed over to Michael Reese Hospital before the lab closed to prove her wrong.  I was the last patient for the day.  As the tech scanned my leg, she said "hmmm, you're gonna be admitted.  You have clots."  WTF?!  I was stunned...and eventually admitted.  When the nurse took my pressure, it was high.  She asked if I had high blood pressure.  I responded sarcastically "no silly, I'm nervous!" I sat in the hospital for a week being pumped full of blood thinners...Coumadin by pill and lovenox injections.  They tested my blood count and it was extremely low.  I was also anemic from losing too much blood during my menstrual cycle.  The mighty mighty fibroids were contributing to this at the time, but I did not know it.  The docs offered to give me a blood transfusion but I refused.  They don't realize that low red blood cell count or anemia doesn't mean anything to me.  I charge on through life as if I am a healthy 25 year old!  I got no time for illness or for someone else's blood getting in me and screwing things up.  No thanks!  Once released, I was told to eat right, exercise and take Coumadin.  Is that it?  Yes it was.  The rest was up to me.  I came home and read about blood clots, Coumadin, side effects and diets that are now apart of my life.  At first I was all down about it.  Then I realized that God spared my life for a reason.  There are others who had my diagnosis and are not here to tell about it.  I am here and I am telling!  The moral of this story is...get checked out!

Also, my apartment is still in disarray.  I had my carpet taken up and my hardwood floors sanded and polished.  They are beau-ti-ful!  But then I realized that I need new paint and new curtains.  So the painters came over and patched some holes, put on some primer and taped up the floor.  On Monday, John and Thomas are coming back to paint and I will be 75% done with doing my living room over.  Yippee Skippee!  Once complete, I’ll take a pic for you to see.  But before then, I’ll need help putting all my things back in place.  I’m not much into manual labor.  Any takers?

Day 4 - Am I in labor or what??!! O-M-G!

Ok – so today was the day for my fibroid ablation procedure!  What?  Well, I am treating my fibroids that make my uterus stretch out like I am pregnant and make my stomach poke out like I am a fat chick!  (no comments here, pleez)  Today, thanks to Mommi and Uncle Al, I trekked up to Northbrook MRI to have Dr Arofa handle my mighty mighty fibroids.  Along with nurse Rhoda and tech Richard, for 3 hours, I endured severe cramps induced by the focused rays from the MRI machine.   The rays were heated and used to kill my 2 fibroids and I thought, cook me for dinner!  Yes, two fibroids…one super duper and one extra medium.  I endured this painful process for 3 hours and afterwards, I expected to see a baby pop out as I am sure at some point, I was in labor!  But no baby, just dead, burnt up fibroids.  Okay fine.

I arrived to the center early.  Yeah!  I had a consult with the nurse and the tech.  I was all evacuated, clean dooty shooty.  I was bald on the pubey.  I had to take off all my jewelry.  What?  I don’t even do this for TSA but it was mandatory.  I put on one of those silly green robes that don’t show off my fabulous figure but they do hide my 4 month pregnant gut.  I was ready.  Then they prepped me.  Rhoda shaved off some more hair…dammmiiittt…Imma be itching and cussing her out over the next few weeks!  Then she put in a catheter so that I could pee pee during the procedure.  She put in an IV line to keep me hydrated.  Then she said…now get off this table and walk to the procedure room.  What??  I thought she was gonna push me.  Ok, so I hobbled up...had to grab the catheter bag, she held the IV, the robe was on its own showing all my shaved glory to the old white folks walking around Northbrook mall!  When I got to the room, they said to climb onto the table, be careful and don’t touch right here.  The area that I could not touch was a circle of water that was prepared for my stomach to lie in.  I struggled but they helped to get me up there.  I had to lie flat on my stomach and once I got into position, I COULD NOT MOVE FOR 4 HOURS!!!  Do you hear me???  Why, you ask?  Well they first positioned me and tech Rich took pictures for 45 mins.  The pictures were then used to determine exactly where the fibroids are located and exactly where they will focus the MRI rays.  Then doc Arofa comes in and introduces himself.  Correct, I never met this man before…I just hoped he was Christian and gentle!  He assured me that he was good and knew what he was doing.  I think I would’ve rather read that in the New England Journal of Medicine or saw that on the internet but too late now.  By now, it’s 1 pm and the procedure starts.  They roll ¾ of my body back into the circular machine, give me headphones with 80’s rock playing and wish me luck.  Luck, humph, this betta work and thank God, I’m not claustrophobic!  They also hand me an emergency button that I can push at any time to stop the procedure.  Ok, that’s a good look!  Here we go!!  The machine is fired up!  I hear tons of noise…kinda reminds me of living next to O’hare.  Then I hear loud ticking and feel the rays knocking on my back and just bum rush into my abdomen.  I was able to tolerate the first few shots…but oh baby, about 1 hour in…the granddaddy cramps began to hit me!  The focused, heated rays were aimed at my abdomen for 30 seconds and this is when I felt the pain.  Then they waited 90 seconds for my skin to cool down and they did it again.  This went on for 3 hours!  Bastards!

During this time, I began to think.  I could use the Jedi mind trick and fool myself into thinking that I am on the beach in Jamaica and not being tortured by some stupid rays that I cannot even see, touch, taste or smell but I sure can feel!!  Let’s give it a try.  I give my fibroids a picture…big, round brown balls.  (no comments here, pleez) And I imagine that every time the rays come knocking, I will picture in my mind that I am pushing these huge balls up a hill in the Grand Canyon.  When the pain subsides, the ball falls off a cliff.  After the ball falls, I now picture myself in Jamaica with all my family and friends at a luau.  Yes a luau in Jamaica with roasted pig, rice n’ peas with coconut milk, plantain, red snapper, curry goat, ackee and salt fish, along with plenty of fruit and flowing rum punch!  We are all dancing to dollar whine!  “Forget the small change, give me big money!  Dollar, Dollar, Dollar!”  Yeah mon…now you talkin’!  As it went on, I noticed that they were able to shift the water to where the rays were going and I could hear the swooshing.  Once I heard that, I knew it was time to get back to the Grand Canyon and push.  Once the ball fell over the cliff, I would jet back to Jamaica.  “Cent, five cent, ten cent, dollar!”  This went on for 2 ½ hours.  Then uh oh...I’m got tired.  I started to sweat.  The machine was really cooking me for dinner!  I swore that my stomach was burnt up too and even had them stop once to check the water which caught the rays after they damaged the fibroids.  But only one time did I have them stop.  I accepted the light weight pain killers at the beginning of the procedure, but that was it.  After that, I didn’t move.  I didn’t accept more pain killers.  I didn’t keep stopping the procedure.  I was like a Marine in combat – HOO-RAH!!  I was determined to make it without tons of drugs, without crying, without whimpering and without being a chicken.  And I did it!  Around 4 pm, it was over.  Yippee!  They complimented me on my stamina then removed all the stuff stuck in me.  (no comments here, pleez)  We chit chatted about my experience and then they helped me off the table.  Doc Arofa checked my stomach – no burns.  I told him that I was tired.  That was to be expected.  They took me to recovery where my Mommi was waiting.  I changed, signed some papers and left.  I was proud of myself and thankful to God for seeing me through!

As I rode home, I realized that I had some great memories from this experience.  If I had done this last year this time, which is when I first found out about it, then I would have left with a list of things to do, things that I should do, things that I shouldn’t do, things that I forgot to do and things that I don’t want to do but need to do.  Instead, I went home with a smile on my face singing “Gi' me dollar, gi' me dollar, Gi' me dollar, gi' me dollar, Gi' me dollar, gi' me dollar!”

PS – the results are NOT immediate!  I think I made that up!  I will notice results in 6 mos to a year.  The fibroids will no longer grow and will now start to die and shrink.  With my new healthy eating lifestyle, I expect them to be gone altogether in about 1 year…poof!  Like magic!

PPS – I did not eat all day until 5 pm then I had nuts and water.  I kept drinking water as I wanted the drugs outta me.  At midnite, I just had my veggie juice.  What the water leaves behinds, the juice will get!  I think I feel some mighty mighty toxins about to exit the building now!

Day 3 - a day that will live in infamy!

So Tam told me today that everything that I ate before I started detox on Mon is now out of my system.  And boy, I can tell!  On my way to the group detox mtg on Sun, I went by Ricobene's and got a big, juicy cheeseburger, everything no onions.  Mmmm...mmm...good!  It's gone now...bye bye.  So mostly juice and water is in my system...juice, water and the mighty mighty toxins.  On Sun nite, I ate 1/2 bag, big bag, of flaming hot cheese puffs from cheetos.  I love those things!  I had to throw the remainder in the garbage yesterday since they were taunting me!  Yes, chips do talk!  It made me realize that I have to decide what I will be eating on day 22 when this things ends.  I have no idea.  Tam gave me a book called "Skinny Bitch" and it is hilarious!  It is a no nonsense, in your face book, with cussing and all about being skinny but really it's about getting healthy.  It talks about the the rotting flesh in your colon, the horrific treatment of animals, the pesticides and hormones that are overused as well as the sweetners in soda pop that barely passed FDA approval because they cause cancer.  They (the two skinny bitches who wrote the book) say that you can not keep eating the same sh&t and expect to be skinny!  In this book skinny=healthy.  And they are right!  Ever since my blood clots, I have had swelling issues with my right leg and ankle, especially in the heat of the summer.  Today, there was no swelling!  Renee and I call that "good ankle".  Before today, I refused to believe that the swelling could be controlled by my diet.  Then I saw that skinny ankle and I'm a believer!   If you want to read more about the book, check out their site: http://www.skinnybitch.net/.

So if it wasn't enough that I was hungry, really hungry, I also had to do a total liquid diet today.  Why you ask?  Well I am glad you asked!  Here's why...I am having a procedure tomorrow to kill my mighty mighty fibroids.  Since I take coumadin, any invasive (using a knife to cut me open) procedure would be too risky.  I would have to stop taking my coumadin and risk developing blood clots...no sirreee bob!  So I did research on the internet and found a facility in Northbrook that uses the rays of the MRI machine to kill the fibroids.  Bingo!  That's the one for me!  No anesthesia, no cutting, no long recovery time...sign me up!  Well I went in to see if I qualified back in Feb and I did qualify.  They told me that they were doing a study and my fees would be covered by the study since American insurance companies still consider this to be experimental.  Yippee!! So the paper work process began and then nothing.  I would call and no return call.  What - don't they need my stats for this study??  Ok so more time passed and then I called again.  The doc told me that the study ended and sorry that I was not informed.  I pleaded, in my humble voice that I learned from my pledging days.  It worked!  Just like it did back in 1984 when I was a lowly gee, trying to make a dollar outta 15 cents!  So the doc called the man next to the man who agreed to do it.  Yippee!  But then again, no call.  I called again.  Now the machine is broken.  What?!  Ok, well fix it dear Henry and call me back.  So I wait.  No call again.  I call back.  Now the solo nurse coordinator is out of the office...no one else knows how to schedule.  What?!  So I wait.  No call again.  I call back.  The nurse finally schedules me.  Yippee!  But wait, my period starts 2 days before my appointment and spoils all the best made plans.  So I wait again.  No call again.  I call back.  I reschedule and so now, here we are...procedure tomorrow.  The nurse is ready and available, the machine is working and the man next to the man said that he will pay.  Yippee!  But, you knew there was another one coming right?  But now, I need a ride...to Northbrook...in the morning...and the evening...I can not drive myself.  I asked my Soror Ladonna since she works out there but tomorrow is work from home day.  Renee has work and a mtg in the evening.  So I ask my momma.  See, I still need my momma.  She and her friend are going to take me and bring me back.  Thank God for mommies!!  I ask you to pray for me that all goes well tomorrow.  I get to sit in the MRI machine for 4 hours and be still.  I have to shave my pubic and do an enema in the morning.  The nurse said that I will be tired tomorrow and Friday.  I ain't claiming it.  I got stuff to do.  No time to sit around and give up my power to the mighty mighty fibroids.  I will chill tomorrow, but I got the denim and white party on Sat nite.  Gotta go show off my 5 day detox body!  And my fierce hair do!  Woo Hoo!

My last test for tonite, was a duel between my mind and my bowels during the first day of the "Living Powerfully" seminar at Landmark.  So get this...I am detoxing and drinking 1 gallon of water, fruit and veggies and I am cleaning out my bowels in preparation for the procedure tomorrow.  Whenever I hit the toilet, it's #1 and #2 together, all day long!  They's married now!  Well the class is 3 hours long without breaks.  It starts at 7 and I parked at 7:05.  Dammmiitt!  I was already out of integrity and Landmark teaches you how to live an amazing and powerful life based on integrity.  This is not a good look for the first day of class.  As I pull up, I notice 15 other people in line to pay for parking.  I am not the only late one...it seems, white people are late too!  Yippee!  I get in line and start talking and cracking jokes.  I eventually end up in my seat at 7:30 pm.  Now mind you, I had to drink Magnesium carbonate (a laxative) before I left home.  By 8 pm, my middle section was having an emergency fire drill without my approval!  I didn't get the memo!  But I wasn't ready...I waited it out.  I needed to hear this discussion.  So I clenched up the cheeks, focused on the speaker and waited.  It was like contractions...every 10 mins, I got the urge, but I don't take orders from my bowels...I give them!  Well, by the 7th wave (as Sheila E said), I knew I had a problem.  I had to go...so I went and went and went!  Ok back to class then I had to take another set of pills to make me dooty some more.  I take those pills at 9 pm.  All during the class, I am drinking distilled water.  In all, I drank 60 oz of water in 3 hours.  Class ended around 10 pm - thank God!  I gotta pee and dooty.  I handled my biz and got out the door.  I got home and realized that it ain't over yet.  The last set of pills had not kicked in yet, but eventually they did.  Whoosh is all I gotta say!  Done with that and done with the water for tonite.  No more eating and drinking until after the procedure.  Imma be one hungry bitch tomorrow!  So beware!

Is it only Day 2??

Today was a day of questions.  It finally kicked in about what I was doing.  And then my sister weighed in.  She told me to check with my doctor and make sure that this will not harm me or counteract with my medicine.  My sister has a degree in nutrition so I know she knows a bit about nutrition.  I sent a text to Tammye to ask her about my electrolytes being off balance because of my frequent urination and sh*tting, as mentioned by Renee.  She said that yes, this can happen when using laxatives and from excessive sweating.  She recommended that I listen to my body.  (This is key...listen to your body).  If I feel lightheaded, then cut back and if not, then it's ok.  I was like ok, but let me check for myself.  (Always check for yourself) So I went to the online medicine bible for me, webmd.com.  And guess what?  The website mentioned that the 64 oz of water intake per day was never scientifically based on anything!  What?!  I have been holding on to that for dear life!  Woosah!  Now I can release it!  But wait...they also said that the Institute of Medicine did a study in 2004 and recommended that women, on average, should intake 91 oz of water!  And for men, 125 oz.  Wow!  You don't say!  The breakdown is 80% from water and 20% from the fluid that is in the food that you eat.  And since I am not eating any solid food right now, the 90 oz that I was drinking is actually right on target.  I get the other ounces from the juices that I drink. Wanna read the article:  http://www.webmd.com/diet/guide/wonders-of-water  So after I found that out, I called my doctor to make an appt.  I explained to the ofc mgr/medical asst/know-it-all receptionist about the detox program.  She said that it "should" be okay but to fax over the ingredients in the supplements that I am taking so that the doctor can review it for me.  Cool!  I'll do that tomorrow.

Now some of you might be saying...but Mel, what meds are you taking?  Well I am glad that you asked that question!  I am taking coumadin.  Yes, the stuff that your grandpa took after his heart attack or stroke.  It used to be an old people's med but now young folks take it too.  I was diagnosed with Protein-C deficiency in 2003 which caused a deep vein thrombosis better known as DVT, better known as blood clots.  My deficiency is genetic and I blame this one on dad as he had clots right before his death.  I know that I am not supposed to eat spinach as it works against my coumadin...actually any green, leafy vegetable like broccoli and collard greens are to be avoided.  And I love my mommas collards!  I am also supposed to avoid alcohol.  But my friends have seen me indulge in both...eat a hearty spinach salad then go out and have 2 apple martinis!  I am soooo out of integrity with treating my blood clots.  I pretend like they don't exist.  I forget to take my medicine.  I don't eat right.  I don't drink enough water.  I don't exercise enough to keep my blood moving...I can't sit for long periods in one spot.  This is my excuse to work a room!  You all see me walking around at different events like I am the ambassador of the welcome committee!  So I know what my doc will say...it's ok but ditch the spinach.  I will say, ok but what can I eat that will give me the same benefit?  AHA!  I gotcha now!!  See, most physicians know how to treat illness but don't have a strong background in nutrition and eating healthy as a way of treating illness.  So I'll see what the doc has to say but I am going to challenge her.  I pay her for answers and trust her judgement...but I don't trust blindly.  I know what works best for me and I just need to do it.

Ok - this is for the grown folks again...dooty shooty update #2...So today, the mighty might toxins were jumping ship left and right.  They wanted out!  One time I was in the bathroom, just planning on doing number one when number two cut in on the act!  Uh oh!  You know my move...I had to flush and go, flush and go!  I couldn't stop it!  The mighty mighty toxins would not be denied!  So also in my conversation with Tam today, I told her that I could not drink 32 oz of liquid at one time.  That is how much fruit juice and veggie juice that I have to drink at one time.  She shared with me her story of the same sitation when she started.  She told me that it is because I am constipated.  WTF?!  A blockage?!  But I already sh*t two football fields...what is she talking about???  She said that my colon is full of "junk" that needs to get out and once I am done with the detox, I will be able to handle 32 oz of liquid at one time.  Imma trust her, this time.  I'll keep juicing and dancing and drinking until my body says stop.  As y'all know, I don't see too well but I can hear.  So I'm listening...

Juicing journey...later that same day...

How I do juicing is how I do my life! I learned that from Landmark!  I stayed up all nite prepping! I cut up my fruit, put it neatly in baggies. I made a list for my mom - I still need beets and ginger. For one, I don't know what beets look like (aren't they red?) and I couldn't find ginger. Mom will find them for me.  See, eve tho I am 45, I always need mom's help! Thank God for inventing mommies! Oh yeah - and daddies! Dad gave me my sense of humor and devilish good looks! Thanks to the both of them!  So now I'm ready! I get an extension cord and plug in the short cord juicer. Turn the knob to high speed and voila! The knob cracks in two and falls off. WTF?! Isn't this thing from Macy's?? Now it's ghetto! I gotta find a pair of pliers to work the knob!  You know- only on 87th Street would a juicer break!  I guess it wants to fit in with the other broke up stuff around here!  Well all I can say is - welcome to the neighborhood! Okay, so I just keep it moving but boy, it's loud!  Gotta turn up the broke down radio to be able to dance and juice! And away we go!  I'm juicing and dancing!  Like a little kid with ice cream!  Pulp is flying and I'm making juice instead of trouble! Woo Hoo!! Ok- I finish and drink quickly...I have to finish it in 15 minuntes.  Then I take the machine apart and clean it.  I realize that this is getting to be too much now! Ole broke down, high maintenance machine! Ooh light bulb - my machine is a reflection of me! I am high maintenance and can be broke down at times. Wow! How cool is that?! Then I realize that my entire home is like that. Some areas are fabulous, like my new hardwood floors and some are broke down like the cracking ceramic tile in my bathroom and kitchen. Hmmmm...Well, no more time for thinking...gotta drink and gotta catch Metra.  I take the colon cleanse pills with my juice drink. I pray that the colon cleanse works gently like they promised. Well we'll see. Uh oh - cutting it close...almost time to go. "Grab my keys, grab my purse, grab my jacket off to work, beaming all the way down there!"

Part 2:
So I walk in the office with my new hair and gallon of distilled water.  I have to drink 90 ounces.  For those of you that know about this, now you know "about" how much I weigh.  Everyone compliments me!  It's like Facebook live and in person!  I am so grateful for the compliments on Facebook and in person...thank you!!  I sit at my desk and start drinking.  I get a 16 oz cup and before 2 pm, I have finished 5 of those full of the distilled water.  For lunch, I had a salad...spinach, carrots, tomatoes, beets, mushrooms with fresh lemon juice for dressing.  It was the best salad ever because I knew that this $8 mish mosh of veggies were saving my life!  What could taste better than that???  I later drank the "lemonade and super food".  They help give me extra nutrients and suppress my appetite.  In actuality, since I was drinking all day, that helped to suppress my craving for meat and potatoes.  Thank God!  I was able to sit with Shaunda and Keith at lunch and live vicariously through them as they chowed down on chicken, salmon, some carbs and veggies.  I will not deny myself the company of my friends because I can't eat what they eat.  They were supportive and didn't share with me how good their food was but I could tell by their bright, shiny faces and smiling tummies that they enjoyed it.  And I enjoyed mine too.  I'm eating to live!!  What a concept??  Ok, so now anyone that is under 18, turn the channel.  I'll give you a moment.  Okay, thank you.  Now for the BM story.  You knew it was coming and you were wondering about it anyway.  Want to hear about it - here it go.  All day, I was waiting on the contents of my bowel to pay me a visit.  Well right about 3:04, they showed up...in full effect.  Oooh, oooh...Mr Kotter...I gotta go, gotta go!  I make a mad dash for the elevator to go to the 9th floor where I handle that kinda business.  There were others on the elevator and I tried to look like I was going to a meeting, with empty hands but I think they knew.  Well guess who didn't care??  Every stop from 4 to 9 was like waiting on grandma for church!  No patience but why be in a rush when you can't control the situation.  So I covered my gassy stomach and fake smiled as new people got on.  I swear these people are working against me!  What is this - a conspiracy?! Well I finally get there, run in the bathroom.  Grab the first stall, no time to be choosy.  But wait, someone else is in here.  And they are really quiet.  What?!  Are they up here for the same thing?  Well, my sphincter is only so strong and I am tired of holding it back.  The contents are ready to go on, like trailer trash at the Jerry Springer show and there is no Steve to hold them back!  Ooh! Light bulb!  I'll flush and go at the same time.  This offers discretion and courtesy.  Boy, I'm so smart!  Good thing my brain was still working.  I thought that all my blood and will power were being used to hold back those mighty mighty toxins that were ready to be released.  Well, one , two three, here goes...I flush and go, I flush and go, I flush and go.  Oh what a relief it is!!  Screw my cell mate, I'm happy!  But now it stinks!  Oh gotta escape.  I wipe, wipe, and wipe again.  I flush, flush flush.  I wash, wash, wash.  Oh and wash again...you can't be too careful with washing your hands after you dooty.  I get the paper towels and notice that my room mate is still in there.  Oh well, I think.  I'm done!  And if you can't go, then you betta get some detox baby! 

First day of my 21 day detox!

Today, Sept 13, is the first day of my 21 day detox. Under the guidance of the team at Restored, Inc (Tammye and Eric), I am taking on this challenge. I went grocery shopping for the first time in months and spent $106 on fruits and vegetables...and oh yeah, water. I had a cart full of stuff and asked for assistance taking it to the car. Then I wished the man at the grocery store could ride home with me and take the stuff from my car to the kitchen! As I unpacked the groceries, I wondered how my body would react to not having beef, chicken or fish. I have never done anything like this before so I am a little hesitant. During my session today, they talked about "healing crisis." I hoped that if I had one, it would come and go quickly and not linger like my period! Is it okay to pray for something like that?? Well during my prayers, I'll ask God. He'll tell me. He always tells me. I also got a juicer from my friend Annette (thanks Nette Mae). She bought it on clearance from Macy's with the best of intentions. However, it has sat in the box for months. I got it from her yesterday and then went to Chili's to have another comfort food indulgence. That was my goal this week...eat everything and anything, for tomorrow I juice! So I got my juicer. I got my fruits and vegetables. I got a little bit of will power and a whole lotta excuses. But that won't stop me from moving forward and being in action towards better health! Wish me luck and stay tuned for updates on my 21 day juice journey...