Juicing journey...later that same day...

How I do juicing is how I do my life! I learned that from Landmark!  I stayed up all nite prepping! I cut up my fruit, put it neatly in baggies. I made a list for my mom - I still need beets and ginger. For one, I don't know what beets look like (aren't they red?) and I couldn't find ginger. Mom will find them for me.  See, eve tho I am 45, I always need mom's help! Thank God for inventing mommies! Oh yeah - and daddies! Dad gave me my sense of humor and devilish good looks! Thanks to the both of them!  So now I'm ready! I get an extension cord and plug in the short cord juicer. Turn the knob to high speed and voila! The knob cracks in two and falls off. WTF?! Isn't this thing from Macy's?? Now it's ghetto! I gotta find a pair of pliers to work the knob!  You know- only on 87th Street would a juicer break!  I guess it wants to fit in with the other broke up stuff around here!  Well all I can say is - welcome to the neighborhood! Okay, so I just keep it moving but boy, it's loud!  Gotta turn up the broke down radio to be able to dance and juice! And away we go!  I'm juicing and dancing!  Like a little kid with ice cream!  Pulp is flying and I'm making juice instead of trouble! Woo Hoo!! Ok- I finish and drink quickly...I have to finish it in 15 minuntes.  Then I take the machine apart and clean it.  I realize that this is getting to be too much now! Ole broke down, high maintenance machine! Ooh light bulb - my machine is a reflection of me! I am high maintenance and can be broke down at times. Wow! How cool is that?! Then I realize that my entire home is like that. Some areas are fabulous, like my new hardwood floors and some are broke down like the cracking ceramic tile in my bathroom and kitchen. Hmmmm...Well, no more time for thinking...gotta drink and gotta catch Metra.  I take the colon cleanse pills with my juice drink. I pray that the colon cleanse works gently like they promised. Well we'll see. Uh oh - cutting it close...almost time to go. "Grab my keys, grab my purse, grab my jacket off to work, beaming all the way down there!"

Part 2:
So I walk in the office with my new hair and gallon of distilled water.  I have to drink 90 ounces.  For those of you that know about this, now you know "about" how much I weigh.  Everyone compliments me!  It's like Facebook live and in person!  I am so grateful for the compliments on Facebook and in person...thank you!!  I sit at my desk and start drinking.  I get a 16 oz cup and before 2 pm, I have finished 5 of those full of the distilled water.  For lunch, I had a salad...spinach, carrots, tomatoes, beets, mushrooms with fresh lemon juice for dressing.  It was the best salad ever because I knew that this $8 mish mosh of veggies were saving my life!  What could taste better than that???  I later drank the "lemonade and super food".  They help give me extra nutrients and suppress my appetite.  In actuality, since I was drinking all day, that helped to suppress my craving for meat and potatoes.  Thank God!  I was able to sit with Shaunda and Keith at lunch and live vicariously through them as they chowed down on chicken, salmon, some carbs and veggies.  I will not deny myself the company of my friends because I can't eat what they eat.  They were supportive and didn't share with me how good their food was but I could tell by their bright, shiny faces and smiling tummies that they enjoyed it.  And I enjoyed mine too.  I'm eating to live!!  What a concept??  Ok, so now anyone that is under 18, turn the channel.  I'll give you a moment.  Okay, thank you.  Now for the BM story.  You knew it was coming and you were wondering about it anyway.  Want to hear about it - here it go.  All day, I was waiting on the contents of my bowel to pay me a visit.  Well right about 3:04, they showed up...in full effect.  Oooh, oooh...Mr Kotter...I gotta go, gotta go!  I make a mad dash for the elevator to go to the 9th floor where I handle that kinda business.  There were others on the elevator and I tried to look like I was going to a meeting, with empty hands but I think they knew.  Well guess who didn't care??  Every stop from 4 to 9 was like waiting on grandma for church!  No patience but why be in a rush when you can't control the situation.  So I covered my gassy stomach and fake smiled as new people got on.  I swear these people are working against me!  What is this - a conspiracy?! Well I finally get there, run in the bathroom.  Grab the first stall, no time to be choosy.  But wait, someone else is in here.  And they are really quiet.  What?!  Are they up here for the same thing?  Well, my sphincter is only so strong and I am tired of holding it back.  The contents are ready to go on, like trailer trash at the Jerry Springer show and there is no Steve to hold them back!  Ooh! Light bulb!  I'll flush and go at the same time.  This offers discretion and courtesy.  Boy, I'm so smart!  Good thing my brain was still working.  I thought that all my blood and will power were being used to hold back those mighty mighty toxins that were ready to be released.  Well, one , two three, here goes...I flush and go, I flush and go, I flush and go.  Oh what a relief it is!!  Screw my cell mate, I'm happy!  But now it stinks!  Oh gotta escape.  I wipe, wipe, and wipe again.  I flush, flush flush.  I wash, wash, wash.  Oh and wash again...you can't be too careful with washing your hands after you dooty.  I get the paper towels and notice that my room mate is still in there.  Oh well, I think.  I'm done!  And if you can't go, then you betta get some detox baby!